Real relationships are messy : Gregory of Nazianzus

The ongoing popularity of Hallmark movies, fairy tales, and happy TV families suggest that people love ideal relationships where conflict is resolved quickly, relationships aren't very messy, and people love each other well. However, we all recognize that real-world relationships don't match the idealized version. The social media spoofs of Hallmark movies, as well as movies and TV shows that include more realistic depictions of relationships, remind us that relationships are much more complex than we'd like. And many of us know this because our own lives involve complicated, trying, real relationships. Whatever is going on in our lives, we know that things are far from movie-perfection.

Although we could talk about the many (many) messed up, complicated, and difficult relationships found in the Bible, I'd like to tell you about one of my favorite people and his relationships so you can see you're not alone and maybe glean some wisdom from his life.

One of my favorite church fathers (early church leaders), Gregory of Nazianzus, exemplifies the range of emotions we feel and the messiness we encounter as we deal with other people. Gregory wrote numerous letters, poems, and epigrams (similar to short poems); we also have records of some of his many orations, sermons, and treatises. Through these, we get a glimpse of a man who was not just "the Theologian" but also a friend, family member, and person struggling to do his best.

Gregory had many friends, but perhaps his most famous relationship was with Basil of Caesarea (Basil the Great). They'd met at school and become best friends, intellectuals who became like brothers. Still, their friendship was not without its low points. For instance, in a scathing letter to Basil, Gregory ends by saying, "As for me, I'll gain this alone from your friendship: distrust of friends and treating nothing as preferable as God" (Ep. 48).* Ouch! Gregory was angry at Basil, to put it mildly. Basil had appointed Gregory bishop of Sasima, and Gregory felt tricked. He didn't want to go to Sasima, and (in Gregory's opinion) Basil had misused his own power and was treating Gregory like a pawn in a larger political game. Gregory was livid, and he wasn't afraid to berate his "best" friend in beautiful, biting words. Yet this acrimonious letter is only one of many, many letters between Gregory and Basil. Many of those other letters speak of Gregory's gratitude for Basil and his delight in their friendship. Similarly, when Basil dies, Gregory delivers a moving panegyric (eulogy) about Basil that is effusive in love and praise for his friend. Clearly, Gregory and Basil knew what it was like to be in a close relationship where nothing is ever perfect and people hurt one another. In other words, Gregory and Basil's long friendship, filled with ups and downs, reminds us that no friendship is easy or without its drama. Yet their ability to keep communicating (even when arguing), to forgive each other, and to cherish the good aspects of their relationship remind us that it is possible to maintain a healthy friendship even when things are tough, complicated, and far from ideal.

Because he spoke and wrote about his family members, we also know Gregory experienced the reality of a messy, wonderful family life with his parents and siblings. For example, Gregory was — using a contemporary colloquialism — a total mama's boy! Throughout his life, he kept making decisions to return to his parents, even when others (including Basil) tried to pressure him to stay elsewhere and focus on other aspects of his life (like his ecclesial responsibilities or monastic aspirations). Yet Gregory kept choosing his parents above the rest, whether to care for them in their old age or simply to remain near them. He loved his parents and certainly valued their relationship, especially his relationship with his mom: he even informs us that he was her favorite child (twice, in both Oration 18 and Epigram 30). In his funeral orations about his brother and sister (Orations 7 and 8, respectively), Gregory spends significant time praising his parents, especially his mom. In Gregory's opinion, his mom outshone even the great female heroes of the Bible! Her piety knew no bounds, she embodied all the ideals of motherhood and womanhood, and she loved God more than she loved her family — and she loved them deeply. Gregory most certainly cherished his relationship with his mom. Not surprisingly, when his mom died, Gregory was (in today's terms) a hot mess. He composed no less than fifty epigrams to honor his mother, making evident his deep emotional distress at her death. His sorrow and grief reveal that Gregory treasured his mom (perhaps even more than we might consider healthy today). As we read about his mom through Gregory's words, their closeness and his deep sorrow at her passing remind us that family relationships are both complicated and important. These relationships shape us and affect our lives, whether for good or bad, and we often experience deep grief when those relationships change or people die.

Furthermore, while Gregory himself did not marry — choosing instead to remain celibate, a path he deems more difficult than marriage — he was well-aware that no marriage is perfect. No marriage, in other words, is like a Hallmark movie. While his parents' marriage worked out in the long run, in his funeral orations on his siblings and on his father (Oration 18), Gregory gives us a glimpse into his parents' messy relationship. Likely arranged to be married, as was the custom for the sake of the families' reputations and wealth, Gregory's dad and mom found themselves married to a person with very different beliefs. Nonna, his mom, was a Christian, while Gregory the Elder, his dad, was not (he was a Hypsistarii, part of a sect about which we know very little). Not only were they different, but Nonna was intense in her devotion to God. She even refused to greet, eat with, and spend time with those whom she deemed pagans — which would include her in-laws. Talk about difficult in-law relationships! Gregory the Elder eventually became a Christian like his wife, but imagine the arguments at the beginning of their marriage when Gregory the Elder's wife refused to be hospitable to Gregory the Elder's mom and other family members. Add in differences in faith and religious practice, as well as the normal adjustments that come with merging two lives together, and you have a marriage less than perfect. Gregory knows this: even when he praises his parents' marriage, his remarks about their differences indicate that he recognized that their marriage was far from the Hallmark-ideal. Instead, Gregory alludes to their normal struggles and credits God as well as his parents' piety (especially his mom's) for making their marriage one worthy of emulation. Gregory's depiction of his parents' relationship reminds us that no marriage, even when remarkable, is perfect, and it takes time to work out the inevitable conflicts and differences that come when two people become one. At the same time, Gregory's praise of his parents tells us that a healthy marriage is possible, especially with God's help. (Gregory's own singleness informs us, too, that marriage isn't for everyone — more on that in another post.)

Gregory, who lived in the 4th century in Cappadocia (modern-day Türkiye), found himself grappling with the difficulties of life lived with others. We in the 21st century likewise can find ourselves wrestling with the complexities of relationships. Not only do stories like Gregory's tell us we are not alone, but they also encourage us to ignore the idealized images we've been given and embrace the messiness of relationships, as Gregory did with his parents' marriage. We might also find that spending time reflecting on our own imperfections might make us more willing to forgive, listen to, and deal with people in our life. Gregory himself was well-aware of his own shortcomings and sins, and that self-knowledge certainly contributed to his ability to forgive Basil and keep their friendship alive. He knew, too, that no friendship is perfect — yet many friendships are worth the honesty, hard work, and vulnerability required for deep friendship. Gregory's life also reminds us that our relationships affect our life choices, such as where we live, what we do, or how we live in this world. And as relationships change, whether due to death, time, distance, or other factors, Gregory's odes to his mom and to Basil encourage us to cherish the people who have been and are part of our lives even as we learn to adjust to our less-than-ideal, messy, real relationships.

Suggested Bible reading: Romans 12

If you're looking for someone to walk with you as you navigate life's relationships, consider checking out life coaching. Want to learn more about Gregory or the early church? Contact Sandy about a lecture or class.

*Bradley K. Storin, trans., Gregory of Nazianzus' Letter Collection: The Complete Translation (Christianity in Late Antiquity 7; Oakland: University of California Press, 2019), 69.